I just read a very interesting story. A teacher gave her students the
following assignment: As a parent what their dream life was when they were a
teenager, and then write an essay comparing it to your own dreams for your
future right now. Accordingly, a teenager asked her mom about her aspirations
when she was young, and the mother replied, (reflecting her Sixties hippie
roots,) “I wished for a simple life, living on a farm commune, growing my
own vegetables and being happy.” The daughter paused for a moment and
stopped writing down her mother?s words. “What?s wrong?” Her
mother asked. “It?s sort of embarrassing,” the teenager replied,
“because all I want is to drive a Lexus and get a good job.”
In the first place, this may seem to be a harmless little story to elicit a
chuckle. But it got me thinking. How many Muslim “activists” have I
met, who spent all their free time doing Dawah and promoting Muslim causes, only
to lose their own children and spouses to the kufr lifestyle? It?s pretty
amazing that that would ever be the case. But I?ve seen it first hand and it
isn?t pretty.
Of the activist who is never home, we have no doubt about why he or she may
lose their families. After all, THEY WERE NEVER HOME. And even when they were,
all their mental conferences. We all know at least one person like this. Is it
because it?s easier to be in the Masjid all day, surrounded by things that are
easy to control, at least easier than an unruly child? Or has the activist
become so filled with Islamic romanticism that they live in a dreamland of khilafah,
movements and spiritual battles? Only Allah knows for sure.
But what about the other kind of activist? The one who is so skilled and full
of energy that they can tear through any Dawah task outside the home and still
have plenty of juice left over to “do Dawah” in the home. I?ve met
quite a few of this category also. I?ve even taught the children of such
“Super Da?ees” myself in the various Islamic schools I found myself
in. Here are some interesting observations, but first, an introduction to the
topic of giving Dawah in the home.
Your hear a lot from people, from conventions, speeches, khutbas, etc. about
the family being the number one priority for Dawah. Few speakers, however, give
any realistic ways of doing it. It seems to me that the only method of
“doing Dawah” that most people are familiar with is the ‘challenge
them-give a lecture’ format. In this format, one person assumes another is
completely wrong. Then he or she proceeds to lecture them endlessly to bring the
other person into enlightenment. Almost every Muslim activist I?ve ever met
does this type of Dawah. Does it work? I?m usually the only convert at most
gatherings I attend (male, at least). You decide.
How does the super Da?ee relate Islam in his or her home? I will describe
for you examples I?ve seen with my own eyes. A father and son come to my book
table. The son is, by all standards, an Americanized teen. The father is an
immigrant, middle-aged, Masjid-going and reasonably well-off financially. As the
son is looking at the videos, the father endlessly lectures the son about why he
should pray. It looks like a well-rehearsed script. The son?s face darkens in
annoyance and he whispers, “You don?t understand.” But the father,
who is too busy lecturing on the merits of the prayer, didn?t hear him. I
suspect he has probably never really heard his own son- ever.
A mother with a loose, see-through head-scarf, precariously, (and obviously
temporarily) perched on her permed hair, wearing the typical colorful get-up
replete with nail polish and Gucci bag, is walking near the entrance to a Masjid
during social gathering. Her teenage daughter is standing near her, wearing nail
polish, make-up, tight, tight jeans, a short sleeve shirt and no head-covering
at all. (Talk about dressed to attract!) A group of teenage “Muslim”
boys walk by shouting and talking about sports and girls. This girl flirts with
them and is about to follow them when the mother calls her daughter back and
gives her a long lecture about why “Muslim girls shouldn?t hang out with
boys alone”.
Here?s a favorite of mine: I know of a father who literally terrorizes his
family with endless talk of Islam. To the point where pouring a cup of water in
the home is to invite a lecture on the merits of water in Islam. Obviously, his
children can?t stand Islam because they equate it with their father?s
droning, boring and endlessly running voice.
Each of the three examples has one common denominator: a parent who is
forceful about giving some Islamic teaching, but who then goes about it the
wrong way. The first parent never listened to his son, and instead, was totally
unaware that his son was complete won over by modern, popular teen culture. If
he would have developed a good relationship with his son, and been a consistent
role-model for him from his earliest memories, his son would have been praying
all along. Lecturing a fifteen year old about prayer isn?t likely to make him
want to start.
The second parent didn?t follow Islamic requirements herself (and who knows
what other Islamic deficiencies there were) and therefore didn?t encourage any
sense of an Islamic identity in her daughter, at least as far as dress is
concerned. Instead, she allowed her daughter to develop a completely non-Muslim
style of fashion that apes the modern “liberated” woman who dresses
only to be seen of men. Most probably her daughter hands out with boys in her
public high school everyday as well. If the mother allowed these un-Islamic
habits to develop, then what good would all the forceful lectures do? Her
daughter imagines herself to be a scantily clad beauty in a Madonna music video
while her mother envisions her to be an Muslim princess ready for her marriage
after eight years of college.
And finally, one parent took Dawah to the extreme and made his family tired
of Islam by his constant nagging. This is against Islam protocols of giving
Dawah as even the prophet, himself, used to scold those who made people tired of
too much “religious talk.” Check on this topic and you?ll find many
examples.
So what?s the best way to give Dawah to your family? The wrong approaches,
as highlighted before, include: not being open to your family members as
individual people with thoughts and feelings, being insincere or a hypocrite and
finally, going overboard.
The right way to do Dawah in you home is to start with yourself first. You
could literally spend your whole life working on your own faith and actions
without even talking to anyone else! You are the first priority in Dawah. Are
you sincere? Are you being true to yourself. Do you know something is bad but
then do it anyway? What do you know about Islam? Is it possible that you may
harbor feelings of racism, hypocrisy or un-Islamic cultural traditions from your
upbringing?
People know who is real. A popular American novel entitled, ‘The Catcher in
the Rye’, has, as its main theme, a disillusioned young boy in a world full of
hypocrites. All he wants is to meet someone who is “genuine” and not a
“phoney”. Your own children know if you?re real or not. And it?s
sad to say, but it?s almost always true: the manners and attitudes of the
child are an un-camouflaged reflection of what is in the deepest heart of the
parents. Whatever is hidden in the core of your heart will come out loud and
clear in their demeanor and attitudes. If your kids are not so good Islamically,
be afraid of your own soul.
If you?re living as a true Muslim, not a perfect one, but a trying one,
then everyone sees it in your manners, speech and behavior. You?re not yet
saying a word to anyone, but you?re giving Dawah. The best Dawah is not words-
it?s actions, it?s attitude, it?s genuine. Knowledge of Islam is not to be
measured in how many du?as a person knows or surahs memorized. Even parrots
can be taught to say surahs but no one puts kufis or hijabs on their feathered
heads. Islamic knowledge is displayed in what no spoken word can say. If
you?re around a good-hearted person, you can feel it. You want to be around
that person more and to do what they do and to be like them.
Have you ever wondered why everyone wanted to be so close to the blessed
Prophet? Iman, goodness and wisdom emanated from him. Think of people in your
life who had these qualities about them. One student told me his grandfather was
the sweetest Muslim ever. A girl told me her mother was her Islamic role model.
A bunch of kids in a class named the local Arabic expert as their favorite
teacher to be around. What were the qualities in all three of these individuals?
None of them ever lectured anybody. (I?ve met and known all three.) One was a
hafiz, one a homemaker/Islamic activist and the other a scholar. But when you
met them, they often said very little about Islam directly and they certainly
didn?t lecture or come off as arrogant.
What united all of them was that they were real sincere believers. So it?s
not how many “study-circles” you hold with your family, it?s not how
many surahs you make your children memorize. It?s not even sending your
children to a Sunday school or an Islamic school that is the key. Rather, the
key is you.
If you?re a trying, sincere Muslim, you don?t talk too much – about
anything – and you perform good deeds as secretly as possible and you try to be
as peaceful and helpful to others as you can without asking anything in return.
(You also take your pleasure in simple things, not expensive vacations and
lavish living.) You prefer others over yourself and you don?t display your
wealth or worldly success by accumulating the finest cars, homes and clothes.
Anything else is folly and you?ll pay for it one day. A good guidebook to
Islamic humility is called, “God-Oriented Life” by Wahiduddin Khan. It
contains the most beautiful hadith/Sahaba advice I?ve ever seen.
Don?t be a Muslim “activist” if all your activity is going to be
outside the home. And don?t be an Islamic “terror” to your family:
coming in like a whirlwind, from time-to-time, upsetting the normal schedule of
everyone, even if you?re enraged by what you see your family doing. Because if
your family is doing things that are not good Islamically, then where were you
all those years when those things were being built up in their minds and habits.
A series of lectures or thrashings on your part won?t change their attitudes.
Only when others see Islam make a meaningful change in your life will they be
willing to try the same. That is the real Dawah to the family, that is the only
message that they will listen to and the only way to make Islam survive in your
family tree. Think about it.
(courtesy of http://www.ifna.net)
